andra Walker Nichols, PhD, APRN
Panacea Behavioral Health & Wellness Center
“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
Why would anyone want to specialize in grief counseling? Sadly, my family and many of our family friends have lost loved ones on or around holidays. In addition, we have had multiple moves due to my husband’s Navy career often finding ourselves in a geographic area where we hadn’t yet built a strong social support system, but our Navy family stood in the gap, thankfully.
Every day, someone around us will lose someone, and then his or her life will take turns never imagined. All the losses I have witnessed, experienced and lived led me to become a Certified Advanced Grief Counseling Specialist (CAGCS) so that I can support others through these types of losses. I love the quote by Elizabeth Gilbert above, and have used the losses to stand with others in grief and support during that time where all feel lost. Even thinking of those who have experienced the devastation from Hurricane Helene that occurred in the week prior to this writing; how many persons and families in multiple states will have a holiday season this year unlike any they might have imagined two weeks ago?
Holiday decorations are going up all around us; stores started with displays weeks ago. As we enter fall, it seems that earlier and earlier every year, we are faced with invitations to celebratory parties and events abound. Every year, some people are not joyous this time of year because of one or more losses in the months prior leading to an unplanned and unexpected change in one’s life trajectory. It could be a move to a new area where there isn’t a robust social support network yet; that happens a lot with military families who have come to our area in the last few months. It could be that an important person has passed away in the last year. Expected or unexpected, dealing with the first holiday season without that person can be excruciating. Someone may have lost a job or career and is experiencing unemployment, financial uncertainty, or social isolation. Physical disabilities, too, come with grief, when an accident or illness robs someone of capabilities that many take for granted. All of these are reasons for having a grief reaction which is challenging any time of the year but brings extra challenges during the holiday season.
So, how do we handle this abyss of loss and grief during the holidays? How do we approach our friends, loved ones, neighbors coworkers who have experienced loss this year or even this week? First, I would say that these are suggestions, but feel free to use any or all of these suggestions and modify any of these suggestions in a way that works best for you. Grief therapist Robert Neimeyer, PhD, of the Portland Institute has identified that when we have a loss, we have to change our life story, or what we anticipated our life story to be, and find a new reality. Holiday seasons are enriched with traditions and that is one of the difficulties: many of those traditions will be altered forever by our loss.
What about traditions? If you have a friend or relative who has lost someone, please don’t avoid the person! Call, ask how he or she is doing. In fact, if you are comfortable, invite that person and possibly his or her family to your events. That might be the only invitation that the person has. It’s ok to be present with someone who is grieving, even if you don’t know what to say. Oftentimes, it’s best to just say nothing and let the grieving person talk or say nothing at all, too. Knowing that he or she isn’t forgotten and is cared for can mean so much to a person who is grieving, particularly during the holidays.
If you have experienced loss and are grieving, it’s ok to give yourself a “pass” this year and not celebrate if you don’t feel like celebrating. It’s ok to forgo putting up outdoor lights and decorations, putting up a tree, or any other holiday traditions that you or your household usually associate with the holiday season. Just because you forgo those things this year or even next year too doesn’t mean that you will forgo those things forever. But, if you feel like decorating and having holiday traditions in honor of a lost loved one, by all means, continue with the traditions and enjoy honoring your person who is no longer present with you in the flesh. If you have always had a holiday meal and want to continue that tradition, it’s fine! You may set a place for the person no longer with you, if you would like to have that there, or you may have the meal in another room or even another home so that there isn’t the obvious reminder of an empty chair at the table.
Expect the unexpected. You may get to a specific holiday and expect to feel overwhelming grief but realize it’s not there; you miss the person, but you feel ok … and that’s ok! Grief comes in waves, and it comes at unexpected times with strange minuscule reminders; sometimes it’s there when we expect it; other times it’s not. That doesn’t mean you don’t love and miss the person who isn’t with you. It means that you are going through a healing process and should be kind to yourself. Finding someone you can talk to about the grief process (either professional or layperson) so that you have support to encourage you and teach you about the stages of grief.
Remember to include self-care. Go outside if the weather permits, and go on a walk. Talk to the person you are missing. If someone has passed away; you can still talk to the person and that often brings great feelings of peace and healing. Try to stay on a regular sleep schedule, go to functions as you might have before the loss, and eat a balanced diet. It’s recommended not to make any major life changes for at least 6 months after a loss occurs. See your primary care provider about any concerning physical changes or to get a referral to a professional therapist if needed.
Volunteer. When you are down, being around other people can help alleviate depression. When you are around other people who need you or you are working on a project that is important to your values, you are distracted for a bit from the loss. If you have difficulty picking a place to volunteer, consider what was important to the person you lost and choose an activity to honor the memory of your loved one. Focusing on the needs of others or something larger than yourself can help you get through the initial weeks and months after a loss occurs. That’s exactly what I did with getting trained as a grief therapist, but there are innumerable outlets for volunteering or working with others in the community because so many people are in need of so many things. If you don’t know where to start, www.volunteermatch.org/ is a great website where you can type in your zip code with your interests, and you will be matched with organizations that you can contact for more information.