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From the sunny side: Blowin’ in the wind

Those people who know me well, know that I have a tendency to find silliness and silly things. Perhaps silliness and silly things have a tendency to find me, I'm not quite sure. In any case, I am rarely at a loss for things that make me just shake my head in bewilderment.

Recently, I have been seeing commercials about a "no meat" hamburger. I won't mention the name of the place, but they would probably like to have you think their burgers are suitable for "royalty." I usually really like the burgers at this particular restaurant and locally the people there are always nice and pleasant. It is not unusual at all for me to frequent this establishment and order a biscuit and a large vanilla ice-coffee in the morning as I traverse toward the newspaper here. I also like the fact that they will give me an "old man discount," therefore saving me a few cents with every trip. No, it does not bother me in the least to take advantage of an "old man discount" whenever I can.

But, getting back to the "silliness" I have noticed. This establishment is advertising a "no meat" hamburger, made from plants. When I first saw this, I thought to myself, "That's interesting, perhaps they have found a way to make a burger that tastes just like real meat, but it's a little healthier, with fewer calories." On my most recent visit to this establishment, I compared the calorie count of the "plant" burger, to the "real meat" burger. There was no difference, except for the price. Of course, the "plant" burger is more expensive. So, I'm faced with the question, "Why would someone pay more for a plant-burger that isn't any healthier?"

I saw somewhat of an answer to that question in a statement from someone who said we should eat the plant-burger in order to help save the planet. I have heard that some people don't like cows because they fart. I think the "proper" term is flatulence, but "fart" is easier to type and everyone knows what that is. I did a quick survey of the newspaper office and was told that "fart" is acceptable. My dear friend Mickey said it "is better to print it in the newspaper than to do it." The notion of flatulent bovine leads me to another quandary. I don't think it takes a medical doctor to know that a large contributing factor to intestinal gas production is the food one eats. Everyone knows that cows eat plants. (I'm reminded of an ad I saw for a BBQ restaurant that said, "Salad is what food eats." But I digress.) Some people are concerned with the fact that cows fart, and I suppose they think that bovine gut breezes harm the environment. Considering that well-known fact, doesn't it stand to reason that if people eat more plants, they will, in turn, fart like cows? Would that not have the same detrimental effect on the environment? I'm sure I can freely speak for my co-workers when I say they would much rather I eat the real meat burger than to consume more wind-generating plant material. But that's pure speculation on my part.

I believe I have a solution that may be of some help. I'll do my part to eat more cows and therefore bring a halt to their offensive, environmentally harmful tooting. At the same time, it might lessen the likelihood of my own gaseous output causing damage to our apparently fragile environment. I do imagine my co-workers would approve.

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